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Those things that preoccupy, are difficult, frustrating but relevant.Final years as an undergraduate, hmm what fun, statistics, journals, scientific books, data analysis. Don’t get me wrong, I liked science, as a matter in fact, ever since a child, it apealed to me to be wearing those sophisticated white coats . I think it was a cartoon or something that lead me to think it would be cool to be a scientist. That’s right, cool to be scientist (Well I was a kid anyway and coolness was highly subjective of my ego). Anyway I guess in times like this, I’m getting a first hand experience in the scientific arena. And it is bloody frustrating. Yes frustrating, in some cases exciting, and in some other cases darn right boring to the bones.

Whats particualrly interesting and frustrating at the same time is the process. Here we go. Say, I had to learn data analyses. Ok, so I check out some easy to read text books on statistics and data analyses. As I followand travel through the symbols and sentences that resemble statistical logic, a sudden “what the hell is this talking about” pops into mind. I notice some keywords, ok, we have words like “significance”, and ok, so numbers lower than 0,05 or 0,01 is good. It means we have significant relationships, and then you ask your self whats a significant relationship?, and than whats a significant difference. And then you ask your self how do I perform a relationship analysis, and then its like ok, so we have pearson correlation. Ok I like pearson, pearson sounds good, pears tastes good so pearson should be good, so I do a pearson correlation. But then I read a long, watch some SPSS tutorials on youtube and then I ask my self, hmm pearson. Ok than I read the book on statistics and it says “pearson’s coefficient requires paramtric data because it is based upon the average deviation from the mean” and then I think to myself, and then I ask myself, good monkeys, what on earth is parametric data. And good horses, what does deviation from the mean mean? Afterwards I look up parametric data and stuff related to the mean”AHA” “AHA” “AHA”, ok so parametric data are numbers, so say 1 to 2 has a difference of 1 which is the same as 4 to 5 which also has a difference of 1, this refers to parametric data, yes it does, and none parametric refers to ranks, where rank 1 and rank 2 might have differences unequal when comapred to rank 3 and 4 (whatever that means) for an example the value of rank 1 is 10 and value for rank 2 is 8.5, therefore the difference (10-8.5)is 1.5, while the value for rank 3 is 8, and rank 4 is 5, making a difference (8-5) is 3, so the difference between rank 1 and 2 compared to rank 3 and 4 are different . Ok then I recited this a number of times to get it planted in my mind. Ok so I look at my data, and tell myself, Hmm, I think I’ve got some parametric data. And then I read the statistics book again (for the 3^rd or fifth time) and watch more youtube vids, interchanging between Frank Zappa and SPSS tutorials. Already hyped up by a condition of endless curiosity and cognitive exhaustion , I came across a subtitle “Assumptions of Parametric Data”. I was like, what the….? Ok so I got some parametric data and I’m already super enthusiastic to play with the pearson, and now this issue of assumptions started ringing. Hmm assumptions, I know assumptions. Then I started to recollect my debating career “Arguments consist of AREL: Assumptions Reasoning Examples and Link back”. Well who knows statistics and debate might converge in harmony. But No, not this time, incorrect access to long term memory I guess. So I read along and it states that all parametric tests have four basic assumptions that must be met for the tests to be accurate. And then I came across new concepts like normally distributed data, homogenity of variance, interval data, independence. And then I said to myslef hmmm I know what normal is, but than after failing to analogize debate and statistics, I reconsidered, oh no, I’m not gona make that mistake again. So I read these four elements and concluded ok, so I need a normally distributed data set, great. Next question. How do I determine whether my data is normal or not? So than I look for another book talking about normality in terms of a Ding DongDing Dong bell curve. And then I came across stuff like transformation, z-score, and more stuff. Most importantly I found the tool to test normality. The name had some russian taste, its called the Kolmogorov-Smirnov test, Hmmm cool sounds like KGB. And so I perform the normality tests. At first I was excited, I recalled my acquaintence with the concept of significance and noted that values below 0.05 or 0.01 are good. So I was like cool, its significant we have a 0.000 which means a good significance level . Than I turned back to my book to find out how to interpret the figures. And then I came across a particularly significant explanation stating that in cases of normality “values with a significance level below 0.05 or 0.01 indicate a significant deviation from normality, indicating that the data is not normal”…..Ummm…. significant deviation from normality??? I had to read this over and over again to combat the prior enthusiasm that had led me to believe that significant levels below 0.05 and 0.01 are always a good thing. And then I finally convinced myself that “young man you have non-normal data!”. “Non-normal data is not good!”. “Non normal data means that you have violated one of the assumptions of parametric data!” Good monkeys…….!!!! This then lead to a series of new questions I had asked myself; what are the consequences of having non-normal data? Could I continue to perform the pearson? When am I got start analyzing something? Is it possible to inhibit my curiosity to stop asking so much questions?

At the time, I could only answer the last question and the answer was “NO”.

I could go on and on and give a dummy’s guide to how annoying statistics are, but I think I’ll end it here. The paragraph above constitutes a microscopic sample of what I have been experiencing lately. Sure, I have gained insights and I shall never regret the hours I have used to read books and discuss these themes with some experts. What I find particularly interesting is my pattern of thought processing. The heart of the question lead to an answer, which will lead to an arteri of questions which will then lead to another answer which will then lead to arterioles of more questions, that will lead to another answer, and that will lead to capillaries of more and more questions. Another thing I find particualrly interesting is the evident conflict between curiosity and brain power. Curiosity seemed to be firing questions every time I had just answered a question. Meanwhile search of an answer had taken up considerable amount of brain power and resulted in brain fatigue. So you eventually have this condition of Mr curiosity (sounds like a song from Jason Mr. AZ) rambling on with questions like What if…?? Whats a…??? How do I…??? Who knows?? And Mr Brain Power begging for mercy “I can’t take it anymore, stop it, stop it, I’m so tired, please understand, I’m out of energy, I need sleep, sleep, sleep, ask me tomorrow” and then Mr Curiosity replies “You still haven’ t answered this?? What about this question?? What are you going to do?? Don’t abandon me, you’ll regret it!!!

Overall science requires enourmous effort and concentration, in addition to food, exercise, sleep and sleeping pills

A: And sir how do you decide which books to ban?

B: Well we do research.

A: Research of scientific standards?

B: Indeed, rigorous scientific research based on scientific criteria, and scientific data.

A: Does it include assessment of impact?

B: Well yes of course, impact on social order, morals and values.

A: Ok and how do you go about measuring these impacts? So I believe you have a team of scientists in doing the research.

B: Research is done by a team in the attorney general office, we call it the clearing house. Let me assure they are the greatest of scientists, they consist of the police, intelligence, members in the ministry of information and communication, and the Indonesian Cleric Council . We measure these impacts by predicting how these books will impact social order, morals and values. I mean we wouldn’t want a Salman Rushdie affair happening in Indonesia right?

A: And how do you predict the impacts of these books on social order, morals and values.

B: Well let me tell you, with the most sophisticated methodology we had just developed, we predict the impacts by measuring the impacts. I mean we’re talking scientifically based policy here. We don’t just ban books. Impacts must be measured and after being measured we can predict these impacts.

A: Ok sir, so let me rephrase. You measure the impacts by predicting the impacts, and you predict the impacts by measuring the impacts. Sir that’s circular logic. Your not explaining anything at all. Ok so how do you go about predicting and measuring the impact of these books to the community. Let me put it this way, what do you do to measure and predict the impacts.

B:Well we here at the department have designed state of the art methodology, we call it focus group discussion.

A:Sir that’s not state of the art, and how does FGD have any relevance in predicting or measuring impact?

B: Young man, its not FGD but its focus groups discussion, FGD may not be state of the art but focus group discussion, well, let me tell you, the guys in the department have been working all out to coin this one. So what we do is, we bring some guys in to talk about whether the content of the book might be offensive or may trigger riots. We discuss it for a while and we agree to whether the books should be banned or not.

A: So you measure and predict impacts by having a discussion?

B: Focus Group discussion, that is.

A: Ok so I guess you would have community figures engaged in the discussions? I mean your research would be to assess society’s perception towards these books right and whether their perceptions may led to unlawful behavior?

B: No no no, we have a team called the clearing house, we work together with the police, minister of communication and information, intelligence, and the Indonesia Cleric Council. Its our task to decide and we discuss, and we decide. I mean we are also members of the community right?

A: Sir, so let me get this straight, you want to assess the impact that the book may have in society, by conducting FGD…

B: Focus group discussion

A: Hmmm sorry yes, focus group discussion, and you don’t involve community figures. Aren’t you afraid that your decisions would not reflect the society’s and may perhaps be biased by your own. How do you assure us that your decision represent the society’s?

B: Well that’s the magic of research.You don’t need to involve the whole population, get a sample, and this sample would serve as the representation of the population. We are the sample and we represent the population. It is truely an amazing concept. That’s what they do with the quick count right, and the results of the elections were close enough.

A: Sir, I think your methodology is a little extreme. I think the quality of the assessment might be rather sacrificed due to the weak methodology. Furthermore, we’re talking about restricting people’s right to freely express their opinions, it’s a human rights issue we’re talkin about. And honestly speaking I don’t think you’re too serious about managing this issue.

B: Young man, this is a government body, we don’t have Donald Trump as our boss do we? You expect us to conduct ideal researchwith minimum funding. Well I’m not taking money out of my pocket, I gota family to feed. Now you know,the cost of human rights, it ain’t free after all.

A: Earlier you mentioned state of the art methodology, your recent explanation seem to imply the contrary.

B: State of the art has its levels. You have executive, business, and economy, just like the trains. Unfortunately we’re on the economic level, but its still state of the art. I guess that makes human rights protection also in the economic level.

Well, that’s what happens when you spend Rp 1.3 billion on Toyota Crown Saloons for the greedy ministers (murmurs in a low voice).

A:I beg your pardon?

B: O nothing, just humming

A:Sorry I thougt I heard you say something about Rp 1.3 billion Toyota.

B: No no no, would you drop it, I was just humming. Your interrogating me as if I received one.

A: Received what sir? A Toyota?

B: I was humming. Full stop.

A:Ok sir, anyway, lets continue, what critera exists to determine whether books become banned or not?

B: We have established a guideline for banning books, and the books we have recentyl banned all violate social order.

A: How would you define violation of social order?

B: Things like reducing trust to the nation’s leaders, morally degrading, encouraging pomiscuous actions, and other things like disturbance of economic, policitical, ideological, and national security.

A: Anything else?

B: Books with content and pictures that violate Pancasila, destroy national unity, and display teachings of communisme, Leninsme, marxisme as established by TAP MPRS XXV/MPRS 19966.

A: Don’t you think these criteria are a little out of date. I mean communisme, Leninisme were things of the past. How do you determine these criteria as relevant to present conditions?

B: Well terrorism is a thing of the past, and you had the WTC in 2001, the bali, mariot and carlton bombings. We just don’t want people to start reading books and then gain a feeling as if these terrorists or leninisists feel justified for conducting their terrorist acts. We also don’t want to trigger religious conflicts due to particular extreme religious views.

A: Sir, don’t you think the criteria above are too broad? I mean I could imagine several interpretations emerging from the focus group discussions of the clearing house team. How would you reach a concensus from all these different perspectives?

B: No we don’t usually debate too long upon the issue.

A: You don’t?

B: No, I mean, everyone has a turn in explaining their views. This already takes considerable amount of time. I mean its one thing to talk, but listening that’s another, so boring. We have a little discussion and we decide.I guess everyone in the team is more eager to reach a consensus rather than having to debate the issue here and there.

A: Once again sir, don’t you think your actions are undermining the importance of the issue? Issue of freedom of expression?

B: Well certainly not, probably if you lived in England or United States, it’ll reach significance. But here, I mean there aretoo much more urgent problems to focus on. We are a developing country, we have issues of education, poverty, health and the whole bunch. When you have these issues in mind, who would care about five books being banned. Yeah well probably human rights activitists, journalists, but people in general, well fortunately they have their own urgent matters to care about.

A:Well that’s a dilemma isn’t it, Sir thank you very much for your time.

B: It’s a pleasure.By the way did you notice a Toyota pass by.

A: Toyota? The ones those ministers are riding?

B: Yeah

A: Well I guess, they’re coming here for the next interview.

B: Next interview. On what?

A: Toyota’s

B: Well ok, seeya. Ummm.. by the way could you send my regards to the minister your interviewing. And ummmm…. could you edit the part where I was humming?

A: Sir, thanks for the time.

A: It’s been fun i guess, living it off young. You know, not much bounded to you. Free spirit, so much energy, doing what you want for most of the time. And if you think about it, although, yes we get tasks from here and there, but the fact is that we are free to do whatever we want. Living it off.

B:Your talkin as if your facing some kind a age-crisis or something

A: I mean look, we’re on our final years in campus. We did our tasks, we played around, searched for new experiences, search for new people, new skills, tried dating, failed, and so and so. It is this opportunity that we as youth are privileged of. After university, we seek, sure, but our alternatives are narrow. Narrow because our search must come in line with our profession. Whatever that is. I mean, although our potentials are abundant but our ability to actualize them are limited. So eventually rather than do everything in a broad sense, we do everything within the boundaries of our profession. That’s what i think.

B: You think too much. Life is simple. Just live it off. Wherever it may lead you. Thats your fate mate. No need to suck up to your senses, ambitions, desires. Wake up, walk to the park, get a cigarette, light it up, some half of it, throw it away, buy another pack, do the same, then give it away to some beggars. Ok, say that we did that same routine, this time we meet a person. The guy initiates a chat, we converse, talk about life, share experiences, and then follow through the day thinking about the chat. Taking in each experience, enjoying it, sometimes enjoying, sometimes in grief, sometimes in confusion. Whatever the emotion, i still call it enjoying the experience.

A: You can’t just live it off like that, and submit to fate. I mean those are the sort of thoughts that lead people to think that disaster preparedness is a load of garbage….

B: I think it is

A: I think your wasting the potentials of your mind. We are granted this amazing tool box called “the mind” it enables us to review, analyze, create and evaluate. So i think that it is only best that we take advantage of the products we acquire. Sun has heat and its rays to prosper plants and human life. We have our minds.

B: Well yes of course, i have no problems with using my mind. I think you should understand that although my attitude is to go where the wind blows, Mr Big eheem, it does not imply that i spend my hours in front of TV drinking coke, and waiting for my life to get better. I agree that working hard is necessary, i consider myself a hoard worker my self, to my own standards that is, its just that, i guess some people worry too much. ye know like what you were saying earlier, about ending university, profession. I mean just stop thinking about it. Deal with the next phase of your life and work or play or get married of whatever suits you and makes you feel better.

You know what i think? Sometimes thinking about future serves as some kind a therapy for the uselessness a person feels in the present.

A: Your saying i’m feeling useless?

B: Well who knows, i did say sometimes not all the time, and i don’t quite remember mentioning your name, anyway.

A: Ok well sometimes, yes, no need to mock me, let me admit it.

B: Well i do it too. I mean its therapy right. We need therapy, when stressed, i get a cigarette, when feeling like a useless tool, i think about the future.

A: Yeah, i mean it gives way for some kind of energy, you know, you contemplate, think, make plans, get enthusiastic, hyped up, and feel some kinda feeling. You know a feeling, like… … like

B: Save the explanations, feelings are complex, our vocabs would never correspond to its complexity. So explanations would serve no function. Just feel the feeling, and enjoy, no explanations required.

A: I like to visualize my self, you know, like making some kinda program or school to help the illiterate, or make a bank or something, like Muhammad Yunus, or like you know. Its the energy i gain. I mean like, right now, i just study all this material, and then graduate and i mean, whats the significance of all this? I feel so irrelevant. I feel like a single statistical figure in a data-set. Not much relevance, let alone significance, with a p >0,05.

B: hahaha, you remember that sort of garbage. Well, thanks for reminding me, i flunked statistics and i’ll apply for qualitative research. Anyway, i think of the future too, but sometimes i just think, that its the same as fantasy. We fantasize about getting a date with the cute girl in campus, sharing our feelings, getting to really know her, feeling all good about it, and that’s that. But it doesn’t imply any relevance in reality, and i never assume it to have any relevance . Its just therapy. We let the thoughts enter, so we could elevate our mood, and continue living the next day with whatever must come.

A: I picture our thoughts to kinda interact with who i am and my environment and finally  the product is a path that leads me to the desired dreams and goals that i have contemplated on. Its very irrational and spiritual, but i believe it. And i’m certain of it, i am what i think i am, and i would become, whatever i think i should become.

B: Well good for you then… Mister think about everything

Silence

B: Got something to drink? Its getting dry here

A: I’ll get some water

B: Thanks

(A walks to kitchen and get some water)

(Comes back to B)

A: Ok ok, i’ve juts been thinkin, you know about therapy and thinking about the future and you know…

B: yeah, go on

A: Ok say that…  ok we move forwards 40 years from now, we’ve passed the myth of 2012, we’re still living and emmmm…. The thing is, when we were young and felt like a useless tool, we thought of the future. Lets say in 40 years time, we still remain as a useless tool, what left do we have?? I mean i’m quite sure that my thoughts in the past will lead me to a successful and bright future. But in your case, you don’t have dreams, ambition, and all that other stuff.

B: Hahaha, well than i’ll just think of the times when i was young and enjoy the fact that i was a sovereign spirit without being dictated by my environment my ambitions and my senses. I think that would serve good therapy.

A: Hahaha, yeah, pretty cool.

You’re not bothered by the fact that you might become useless???

B: Its all in your head you know. I mean like supposed i worked as a janitor in a school, for 20 years, didn’t get a promotion to .. ahh.. i don’t know.. head master hahaha?

A: No kidding hahaha….

B: I guess well, who cares, I serve for the school. I keep the place clean. I do no harm to anyone, i benefit the students so they study in a conducive environment and well yeah. Whatever i become, i’ll be able to convince myself that i am useful, i serve and protect hahaha. Just like the police. I guess people like to think of size and status you know. Lots of zeros and leader, and government official, and all that stuff. I mean i don’t find it appealing to become a hotshot, making comments on news, getting people to think “hey that guys really smart”, or getting respect from all these people. Some guys do that and end up being corrupt, if not with the law, with their own senses. Or sometimes people do that just to make themselves feel good about themselves, its a self gratification they’re after. Thats what i think. I’m just like, they go through all that trouble to get themselves high.  Its funny though.

A: You think i’m like that?

B: Don’t know, and honestly i wouldn’t mind. You are entitled to think whatever you want

A: Yeah you know, sometimes i get this feeling. I do something and there are two sides of me, one that says i’ll do it for the greater good, and the other side, is like, i’ll do it for my own good. Exactly like how you put it. Sometimes when about to do something, i mean a few days ago, i went to help a friend of mine to tune up his motor, and then after finishing up, i felt really good about my self, and then afterward another friend asked for help, and i was like sure, and in my mind i was like damn this feels good, and then i had this thought in my head, that people would perceive me to be a good person if i help them all the time. The thing is the thought was automatic, i had no control over it, and it kind blurred my intentions. Was i doing it for my own good for my self gratification or was it sincere. Was it because i wanted people to think good of me??? And then i was like, damn these stupid thoughts, and i was talkin to myself, like “stop thinking all the time” adn then my friend was kinda lookin at me as though i was a whacko or somethin. An then i laughed at him hehe.

B: Yeah man, stop thinking all the time. You must of looked like some kinda schizophrenic, with auditory hallucinations

A: They’re automatic, its hard

B: Yeah well, easy stuff is for the weak. By the way, whats the time???

A: 2

B: Ok i gota head back. Thanks for your help, you know. Sincere right?? hahaha, you must feel really good about yourself

A: Yeah i do, people are gona think i’m  a real nice person hahaha for helping out a guy like you. Nice talkin with you anyway

B: You too, ok than seeya, i’ll be back for any further consultation hahaha, don’t get bored of my company

A: yeah just give me a call. Seeya

It was a dine out. “Rewarding” thats what they call it in KRST. So we get some jobs, do some performances, get some money, and after a few months work we dine out. It has been like that ever since jobs came rushin in to KRST in the 2006-present periode. I came in late and there was the whole bunch with some new 08’s in the crowd. Roast chicken was the meal, ice tea, and some other green stuff.

Roast chicken had fueled our verbal engines, and i guess it was “talking time”, talking about stuff and stuff, not always necessary but stuff and stuff as usual. On the spot was me, Abit and Bagus. We always had a thing for music and so we started talkin about holidays. I was like ye know, I’ll probably spend my holiday as a loner with my guitar, and the others also didn’t seem to have any plans. And somehow, Abit or Bagus, i forgot (but it wasn’t me) in a sort of challenging tone said, guys why don’t we work on some Jamet… Java Metal (jeng jeng). Bagus was like lets bring our electric guitars, effects, and amps and crank up some distortion. Make some noise in psychology (while everyone else is on happy holiday). Cool stuff, i welcomed the idea, as i always liked Javanese tones and palying it in a metal sense seems very experimental, Very appealing to me. So i was in. We scheduled some practice the next day, in the afternoon, since we would probably had just waked up that time.

First in place was me and Bagus. Abit was gona be late. Prior to our practice session, me, Bagus, and Adit (almuni) had once jammed in the “bilik” and came up with some funk like material. Bagus was on bass, Adit and me was on guitar. The ending somehow turned javanese in a way. I used the same notes again and see where things would go. For some reason, bagus decided to try keyboards. We kinda went over the tune for some time. It was particularly important for Bagus, as he had to accustom himself to a new instrument. I would play the tune for like probably fifty times before we would agree to how the notes would go. After an hour or so practicing that small fragment, Abit came in with his squire and Aria guitar amp.

So now it was three guys in room, experimenting with this little fragment on the A major scale. Abit was quick to come up with his part, adding a new variation following every fourth beat. Abit’s part was crucial as it would determine when we would kinda elevate the tempo, therefore establishing the next theme. What was great about this introduction was its ability to stay in the a major, but was complemented with such variables of tempo, notes, and rhythm. I felt it was rich in content, although it may seem a little boring considering it took considerable amount of bars. To conclude the intro and slide into the next theme, me and abit decided to close the chapter using harmonics.

Bagus lead the next theme with notes representing tones of gamelan. Slow and constant.

Abit provided unison and i entered trying to establish a distinct rhythm to enter the next theme.

Again we built up the tempo slowly progressing into speed strumming where in the video me and Abit would be Head banging.

And next was ping pong. I would do a riff, abit would respond, i would answer, abit would do a blues like bending technique, i would reply, bagus would tap in, and would finally stirr it up with some piano ringing (i don’t know how to say it in words).

As a finale, we decided to relax the mood. Bagus would enter with a Sundanese flute like melody, and after 4 bars, i would enter with slided bass tones of A major. ABit would enter with slow high notes, adding to the calm and blissful atmosphere. And after a number of counts we would strum and give a pop-like flavour with a Sundanese melody. Finally we would end the song with the Sundanese Flute played by Bagus.

It was a great experience. We figured, for the standards of psychology undergraduate students, that the song had engaged us in a complex process of music making. Abit suggested to name the song, complex. We all agreed.

Sea of feather like shrub encompass the diameters of my view. While morning breeze whispers against the surface of my cheeks. Tips of paddies flirt with one another, conversing in languages incomprehensible to the human auditory senses. Sun rays settle on my left cheeks while warmth diffuses. The currents of warmth acquaints with the tides of the cool breeze and there you have it…..

Balance

Crickets, insects, and creatures that randomly spill into these pages cheerfully sound their rythm attuned to their self set up metronome. In the background continuous crescendos and decrescendos of motorcycles fill in the emptiness.

As it is with the ocean, there is no such absolute blue. What you have is a combination of dark, mild, light blue, turquoise, and so on. Similar with the current portrait laying before me. Sea of green, dark green, mild green, light green, yellowish green, yellow and so and so.

As my belly cries, a decrescendo and supposed ritardando subsequently accompanies the passing breeze. The orchestra has signalled its finale. Slowly the rythms and melodies of the diverse and uncountless organic and natural beings subside and commit to the ending.

S: This news is gettin on our backs. They got my name on those running news things on tv. Its Susyes this and Susyes that. Susyes gets bribe from the bail out, susyes meets with Froggodo, Susyes seen in singapore with Fronggoro, Fronggodo’s elder borther, susyes rubs his back with a fork who cares!!! I mean get some real news. I’m in the department, what d ye expect… me to become a cleric??

A: Well make a statement. The press are feeding on comments ever since the transcriptions were released. Your name is mentioned, let me emphasize on that… a number of times.

S: I’ve been doin this for a long time ye know, and i mean i’ve always stayed in the shadow. Now i’m a frickin artist. How did they get the leak, it ain’t usual. I’ve got some suspicions my self. Ye know rats, complying with human rights acitivists. I should have predicted it.

A: Ok ok, i hear ye, time to start thinking strategy here. They slapped us with the cameras and now we have to slap them back. Use the media. Ok so they have one side of the story, now give them the other. Its not about which information is right or wrong. Its about exposure. The more your exposed as a poor, stressed over weight civil servant that had just lost his job, the easier to make way for sympathy. At least for the folks in the grey area. True information are for legal experts not for the grass root, just feed em with news. Too much information is confusing, and eventually you stop thinking on about it. Thats what we seek.

(takes a call)

S: who was that?

A: your boss in the department. The politicians called him up for clarification tomorrow.

S: Clarification, on what?

A: Well… the transcriptions, you, this alligator and gecko issue. I mean you brought the term up right?

S: Hehehe, ye geckos. ye know in China they use geckos for treating cancer or something. They sell 3 ounce geckos here for Rp 15 million. Damn special creatures.

A: Yes boss, As special as they are, they do not contend to the seriousness of this issue your facing

S: Ok than, let me get back to my senses, who’s he clarifying to??

A: House of representatives

S: Is that so??….

A: Are ye alright? ye seem lost

S: I got some buddies in the house…. Emmm…. Ye know what??… I think i’ll make a statement. Let the so called people’s representatives hear me, let the people hear my voice, let them see me in person and let them see how i have been battered with lies from our rivals.

A: Here here, your brains attuned i guess. I’ll call the head of your department to get things arranged. Brilliant. Out of all the people making clarifications, its your clarification or whatever you have up your sleeve, that counts most at this time.

Ok so we have the event. Now i want to go through some things. hmmmm…..Did you receive any? Ya know what i’m talkin about, everyone’s talkin about it. Did ya?

S: Well yes of course i did, its how i get my kids education, how i get a house to live in, how i get my wife satisfied hahahaha. But let me tell you, i did not get 10M!!! I mean that sort of money goes around and sure i get some but not all. I got 8M, thats the precise figure.

A: Ok thats a relief

S: What? that i took the bribe

A: No no no, but yeah… Ah.. I mean the fact that you received 8 not 10. Now ye gota be convincing tomorrow and its gona be a lot easier since you didn’t take 10. So what you do is make a statement, a firm statement on behalf of the people. “I, Susyes, on behalf of the  people of this republic did not receive 10M “. I mean your not lying, because you didn’t receive the amount everybody’s been rambling about. So your clean at least on the media.

S: Damn your smart, i like it

A: I study psychology, of course i’m smart.

Actually i gota a better idea, this country’s always braggin about how religious it is. Put religious themes in your statement. I mean ye know, start with assalamu’alaikum, end with wassalamu’alaikum, when uncertain about an outcome say insyaallah. Ye gota get the right image on tv. And a religious one, is always better.

S: Ok what about this, i’ll give a sworn statement to God that i didn’t receive 10Billion, and shove that in the face of public. What do you think?

A: You up for that religious burden? I mean sure, you didn’t take 10Billion but your still corrupt anyway, and your considering to use God’s name to sort of clean up your filth in front of public. Sure that’s strongly convincing but are you up to it?

S: If you say its convincing than i’m up for it.

A: Ok this is what you say, and make sure you say it correctly. “Lillahi taala i did not receive 10 Billion from the Bank bail out case”. Ye got that. If you have it in you, shed some tears, media just loves a man crying. I could just picture the headlines the next day “Susyes swears of not receiving bribe” “Susyes in tears”.

That basically wraps everything up. I’ll make some calls and get the whole scenario arranged. You don’t forget your lines!!!

S: Sure, great job, thanks for everything and wassalamu’alaikum

A: Walaikum

My parents were chatting on something i couldn’t quite understand. They were using a lot of big words like finance, project, DPD, and stuff. I walked to the living room and sitting on the sofa was my brother. He didn’t appear as he usually would. He was sitting with his knees drawn to his chest using a thin cloth to cover his skinny hairy legs. Strains of thread like black curly hair sprouted from his scalp in disorder and muck. His eyes were dragged by the lower eye lids which were shaded with dark shadows of greyish black. People say that’s what happens when you don’t get enough sleep. I approached the sofa and took a seat next to his feet.
"Katanya kalau lagi sakit baca Qur’an" I said, not exactly knowing how to open the conversation.
He stared at me and gave me a smile, remaining silent for a while…
Finally he broke the silence…
"hehehehe…Iya. Tapi aku lagi pusing dan mataku sakit kalo membaca. Mas kalo buka matanya jadi sakit. Makanya saya lebih suka tiduran."
As always he would refute my suggestions with logic i couldn’t quite understand and most frustrating of all which i could not contend to
or rebutt in opposition.
"Mas, makan aja nih, aku ambilin makanan." I said as the only response i had in mind.
On the table i spotted a plastic bag full of snack boxes, possibly from an evening pengajian, and i walked over to fetch my brother a box. I noticed that he was paying attention to my every move, smirking, as if was holding in a puff of laughter
.
"Nih mas, ada lemper, eh ini lemper atau arem-arem ya mas?"
"Ini apa ya, ya lemper….eh, arem-arem. Ah gak ngerti ding. Wah dek aku gak selera."
"Yaudah ni kacang nih."
"Hehehe…ni mas tenggorokanku lagi gak enak,kalo tak isi kacang malah tambah serak."
"Ya gak papa"
"Hahaha"
Finally, he laughed with a lot more enthusiasm. I could see it from the creases of his eye brows when his eyes were closing in with his laughter.
I turned the TV on, i thought that it might keep him entertained…
"Ini one piece ya dik?One piece ato Naruto?" he asked. I couldn’t prepare an answer as i was preoccupied looking for the remote control.
"mas remotenya mana?" i asked
" Wah ya gak tahu, biasanya kamu yang bawa kan. Mungkin di bawah kursi."
I opened some shelves, closed them, moved on to another rack of shelves, reopened that i had already checked an eventually i took my brother’s advice. I looked beneath the sofa. Suddenly the world had become flat and the only thing separating sofa base and ceramic were the foggy mysts of dust. I serached through all the sides but nothing. Wheres the remote?
"Hu remote kok ilang terus. Baru beli ilang lagi." he muttered
"Mas nggak ada." i said raising my tone a little.

It was Saturday and the team had just arrived in Kutoarjo Child’s Prison. It was our second visit and we had to make sure the kids were alive and joyful to enjoy probably our last contact with them.
The team prepared a slideshow of photo’s showing the last activities that we had surpassed together. Along the background spiritful beats of the Nidji song "sahabat" accompanied the  slide show as the amused kids stared and spared a stretch of their mouths to symbolize a child’s smile. Not all of the kids were willing to shed a smile and expressions of boredom and frustration were apparent in a few. However when the activities of finger painting commenced the spirit had entered the the young souls partially taking over their self ego and relentlessly drawing them upon the enjoyful energy of childhood.
Expression…
8 meters of black material, previously used as a back drop was spared to spill the emotions and feelings of the children. Upon it read the words "love", "i want to break free", "i want to get out of here." Expressions of laughter followed the every mark that they had placed on the material. Hands prints, foot prints, distorted smudges not resembling anything in particular, were all apparent as the child’s projections of the childhood activities which had been taken away from them.
Confined…
Bitter as it may seem, days where these children must overcome the boredom of the prison life routine are far from plentiful. Attachments grow in an instant however the barriers of status separate the attachments from ever developing into something more meaningful. Affection is what they sought for and something we could not give in the long term.
Fractures of the Ivory…
One of the kids, Gading his name, proposed a new name for myself. "CS Nidji". He would continually reassure me while extending his handing asking "CS (sahabat sejati kan)kan?"
I would take a while to answer thinking about the fact that there is a small chance that we would meet after this occasion and finally i would answer "Yo jelas CS (as what mattered the most was the bond that we shared while in contact and that regardless of the barriers of status i would continually regard him as one)." We would then practice the ritual of Naruto building upon his "Rasengan" using the cyclic motion of our hands and supposedly shot the cakra out of our palms to the surroundings of the Child’s Prison. The other inmates were watching and possibly asking themselves what an idiot that curly freak is imitating the actions of  Naruto with  Gading. But who gives. I took my childhood back to the prison and it was a delight.
It is to my deepest expectations that these kids are able to extend their hopes and ideals when they have completed there time.  By the end of the day, i just couldn’t stop telling myself that "they’re just kids." Despite the history of their past, the nature of their acts and expression will always make them kids and thats whats kind of difficult to digest. Once again "They’re just kids"

Contagion. It is quite amazing how small things can develop to become big things. Take for example the filosofi of the lidi broom (a broom made out of lidi). Don’t expect one line of lidi to be useful, unless you wanna pick your nose or your ears (don’t be encouarged to do so). But stickem together and you are able to perform large tasks of sweeping floors. Another example,lets talk about neurotransmitters. These weird things are microscopic but they could make the difference of a person to feel happy, satisfied, lustful or stressed out. Now, as i write this blog i continue to be dazzled at these red spots that colour the landscape of my body. These spots are unique as they are shaped as miniature mountains. As i glance over my hands, i picture some sort or mountain range or a map with all the weird traingles, circles that are meant to indicate certain topographical functions. These small mountains are supposedly filled with lava, in this case puss. Similar to the nature of the lava, these spots ignite heat that are sometimes unbearable to leave alone. Now i know, that when you’re in this type of condition you’re not supposed to scratch yourself but God help me, its so freaking itchy. What seems to amaze me is the way that these spots have developed to take control of my bodily appearance. Starting from a little itch, merely located in particularly small coordinate of my body, after undergoing intense scratching and more scratching, they spread from neck to foot. My hands look quite horrible. I like to tell my little brother that i’m evolving into a monstrous creature (he’s too smart to believe this) as these spots turn my hands and body in to a less appealing feature. Or say that i was one of Orochimaru’s right hand men, and i was in the middle of combat with some Konoha kid, these spots make me look as if i have summoned my second jotai (i don’t know if this is the actual concept or not, but as i remember, it is so) supposedly enabling me to a thousand times more strength. So much about strength, one thing that is certain, is that it gives probably ten times more itching. However i’m learning lots. One thing is that i’m learning that health is a very expensive asset. My first check up was quite expensive and i’m going back to the doctor again this evening because of the unsatisfactory results of my first check up. This of course implies more cash. For those of you who have acquired a daily life without having to encounter daily sicnkesses, Let me just say i envy you a lot. You are saving lots of money hehehe. Another thing is that being sick gets me more stressed because i can’t function and accomplish the tasks that i’m obliged to. One way or the other, accomplishing tasks become one of my obsessions and the fact that i’m lying down or staying home doing nothing gets me even more stressed out. I guess thats enough of my wining, i just wana say sorry to all those people who have expected for my cooperation in accomplishing tasks. Anyway, i hope i could get over the itch as soon as possible. Hope the doctor gives me some reliable drugs this time

Its been a week of translating and i’m kinda a relieved and kinda not. I’m relieved because i could take a break from sleepless nights of document translation. On the other hand due to to the habitual effects of "nglembur" i jave developed a case of insomnia. What makes things even worse is that from Monday until thursday i have morning classes at 7.30. This becomes a problem coz the translation effect had demanded that i sleep with an average of 3 to 4 o’clock making me only get around 4 hours of sleep. In other words i’m losing rythm. This is actually scientific because humans have a sleep regulation system known as cycardiac rythms. I’m not gonna ellaborate much as i only understood little aspects of the concept. I remember the concept being explained by a kinda graph. On the graph it had word melatonin in it, and this refers to the neurotransmitter suggested to trigger a person to feel sleepy and eventually fall asleep. So in certain times of the day for example night time, the production of melatonin increases leading to the sluggish and sleepy effect. When eventually sleep is practiced to succumb to the effects of melatonin the production of the neurotransmitter gradually decreases. So what i think is happening to my body is that the rythm, referring to the periods of melatonin production, have been tampered with, leading to a modification of its period of production. This probably means that my body has adjusted to the translation routine and has scheduled melatonin production at 3 to 4 o’clock (thats what i think, correct me if i’m wrong). There are ways to help this problem that i have beem trying and sometimes they work. One is to drink warm milk beofre going to sleep as it may elevate melatonin production, or do relaxing activities like reading a book. Sometimes its works sometimes it doesn’t, things are never certain as we want it to be. Thats just life.